To put it simply, I have been in a funk. Life is hard and mine has been overwhelming. That old saying, “God won’t give you more than you can handle” seems like a big fat lie to me. I feel like I have had way more than I can handle right now. I have been angry at my current circumstances, frustrated with my situation and really discouraged by this mysterious disease that continues to plague my body. I have had quite a few arguments with God the past few days. I know some people may read this and think I am being sacrilegious to say something like that but I am just being real. I love the Lord with all my heart and soul, which is why I am able to talk to Him freely and with vulnerability. I am in relationship with my Father which means that I can let it all out…He sees the real me anyway so why hide my true emotions? He knows them well. I love that I serve a God that wants me to bring to Him all of my questions, worries and fears. He listens. He is patient with me. He knows I don’t or can’t always see the big picture. He understands that I am fully human and that sometimes this life is just too much for me to bear and I want out. I yearn for heaven in these moments. I yearn for paradise where there will be no more disease, no fear, no more hate, no orphans, no poverty, no famine, no corruption, no evil – the way God originally intended this world to be before we messed it all up with our sin.
Lately, I have been longing for my permanent home more than ever. This world feels foreign to me in a way it never has before. My spirit groans within me when I read about the Iranian Christian pastor who was imprisoned by the Iran government for his faith. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/23/youcef-nadarkhani-iranian-pastor-death-execution_n_1297262.html He could be executed any moment just because he loves Jesus. He has been given many chances to deny Christ but he hasn’t..he is willing to literally die for Christ and leave behind his wife and two young children. I can hardly believe this is happening in 2012!! I can’t hear one more news story about child abuse or abandonment, yet another school shooting, senseless murders, political deceit or the consideration of after birth “abortion” (don’t get me started!!) It all makes me sick. The words to this song by Building 429 have been on an endless loop in my head these last few days –
“Sometimes it feels like I’m watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I’m breathing but am I alive
I won’t keep searching for answers that aren’t here to find
All I know is I’m not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I’m lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me
When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You”
I could add my own line to the verses, “Even in the chaos and during the disease, I pour out my troubles and He comforts me.” This disease ridden body that is currently just a shell for my soul is NOT my permanent body – thank God!! This world as I know it, is definitely not where I belong but in the meantime, I pray, I struggle, I cry and humbly ask that God will use my situation to bring glory to Him. If that is “all” it accomplishes, I would go through it a thousand times. It comforts me to know that my God can bring good out of hopeless situations. (Genesis 50:2)
I am desperately holding onto that hope.
Help me, Lord to seek you and be found in you during these days before the earth shakes. Help me use every opportunity in this short life to tell others about the peace that can be gained when we take our problems to you – even when I don’t feel like it.